chapter infinity: talented and broke

in which i lament my (seemingly) permanent situation.

ok, that’s not really true. i actually make good money (finally! thanks, robots!). i spend even greater money, so being broke is my own dang fault.

but i have a lot of hobbies, and none of them actually make money. which is why they’re hobbies, i suppose, and not vocations. my crafty-artsy hobbies cost a lot of money, and no one’s buying. i’m not selling that much but the point is the things i have up ain’t going nowhere. my musical hobbies cost money, as well, even beyond the initial layout for instruments, etc. there’s practice space, and business cards, and stickers, and other random expenses that come up. i’m lucky to break even between cover bands (that get paid a little) and original bands (that end up costing the dallahs). but shouldn’t talent be rewarded?

i mean, i normally have a self-doubt/lack of confidence issue, but for the brief moments i can get past it, i say: i’m good enough, i’m hot enough, and goddammit i spend most of my non-full-time-job hours at this, so why don’t people like me ... enough to give me money?

it brings me to sadness and despair; a kind of free-time existential crisis. sure, i’ve done pretty well at my actual career, but all the really artistic stuff... well, that’s just limbo. i don’t get paid, it takes up my time, and other than the fact that it makes my co-workers think i’m cool i don’t get much of a payout from it. what’s the point?

this is the paragraph where i’m supposed to have an answer. by typing out the whole situation, i should’ve come to clarity and had my solution at this point. but i don’t. because every couple months, i wonder why i do what i do, and every couple months, i just kind of push the doubt aside and keep doing it. but why? habit? real desire? hope? faith in pipe dreams? i’m 31 now; when do i get to the point where i say and honestly believe “i’m getting too old for this?” when do i lay down the accordion and sell off the yarn stash to accomplish those ‘real-life’ things that nag me (like home renovations and car tune-ups)? am i just too practical to be a successful artist?

thirteen years on and i still have no answers.